Want a doctorate.
Why?
Not really sure. I have always held this as a goal.
Why?
I want to be able to be an effective educational leader.
Ok. So what are you interested in studying?
Umm . . . well . . . how leaders affect what happens in schools.
What do you like to read?
Yes, umm, yes, my Miller’s Analogies Scores weren’t very good (Why did I say that?).
Tell us about that.
I guess it’s because, my vocabulary is, well, I guess it’s because I haven’t read a lot of really difficult texts—I mean it’s not what I do in my leisure time, I mean I read for particular purposes . . . I didn’t grow up reading difficult texts. I grew up in a really small town, and I guess I wasn’t surrounded by . . . I guess I need to work on that.
So, what do you like to read in your leisure time?
Well, again, I read for particular purposes, to accomplish goals and tasks and once in a while read a John Grisham novel.
That pause.
That look.
(They don’t want me . . . I am not ready . . . I can’t do this . . .)
Not Yet . . .
Driving away, knowing I failed
Pit in my stomach, grows to a tightening in my throat
If only I had been more . . . careful
More certain, more polished
More scholarly, more refined
Not Yet . . .
Feeling ashamed, knowing I failed
Wondering why I lacked confidence
Why I mentioned my test scores
My vocabulary
Feel small, very small
Like my small town
Not Yet . . .
Growing angry and deeply sad, knowing I failed
Pretending I didn’t really want it
That it wasn’t necessary
Defending where I was from
Despising who I wanted to become
Not Yet . . .
Four years later I was admitted into a doctoral program and have now ascended through the ranks to full professor—and have since read more “challenging texts” than I can count. I now sit in judgment of others like me—wanting to be accepted into a doctoral program, wanting to pass preliminary exams, wanting to successfully defend dissertations. I wonder what pauses and looks I enact, embody, and give.
Mark D. Vagle, 2018 p. 27
Crafting Phenomenological Research
